Companion guide 3 MIN READ
People-pleasing at work: pause the automatic yes
Updated · Ideas adapted from I Don’t Remember Choosing This by Don Sanjeewa Alwis, Chapters 1, 4 and 9.
A PLACE TO BEGIN
To interrupt people-pleasing at work, start with one request: pause before agreeing, check your existing commitments, and make the trade-off visible. Then notice whether your workplace rewards clear ownership or quietly depends on your constant availability.
Written for this website with original examples; not an extract from the book.
When helping becomes an automatic yes
Helping a colleague can be a choice you value. It becomes harder to choose when you agree before checking the cost, then repeatedly move your own work into the evening. The useful question is what happens between hearing the request and giving your answer.
In the book’s language, the Frame is the surrounding reward system: who receives approval, what gets noticed, and what goes unchallenged. A Default is the response you bring into the situation automatically. A team may reward last-minute rescues while your own Default is to prove that you are dependable. Both can keep the pattern going.
Separate the request from the role
Consider an illustrative situation: a colleague asks you to finish an urgent presentation. You could help with one slide, advise on the structure, or own the whole delivery. Those are different commitments. An immediate “yes” can hide the difference.
Before responding, identify the deadline, the person responsible for the result, and the work that would need to move. You do not have to solve the entire team’s workload in one conversation. Begin by making your part clear.
Three responses to adapt
For a request that needs thought: “Let me check the commitments I already have, then I can give you a realistic answer.”
For competing deadlines: “I can finish the presentation or the report by Friday. Which one should take priority?”
For a request outside your ownership: “I can review the draft for twenty minutes. Who will own the final version?”
These are original examples for this guide, not quotations from the book or scripts guaranteed to work. Adjust the language to your responsibilities and the situation. Where disagreement carries a real cost, a smaller clarification may be more feasible than a direct refusal.
Try a one-week observation
Choose one recurring type of request. For a week, record privately what was asked, what you said, what you expected would happen if you paused, and what actually happened. Keep the observation specific: “I accepted a second deadline without discussing the first” is easier to work with than “I am bad at boundaries.”
At the end of the week, look for a change in ownership, workload or available time. Approval alone is a poor measure if it keeps costing you the same evenings. The Frame Audit can help you examine the wider setting before choosing your next experiment.
Does this mean being less helpful?
You can keep generosity as a value while choosing the size of your contribution. The distinction is between offering help and becoming responsible for every outcome. Clarifying that distinction gives other people more accurate information about what you can do.
A personal experiment also has limits: it cannot by itself repair understaffing, unfair recognition or an unsafe workplace. Notice the conditions around your response as well as the response itself.
FROM READING TO REFLECTION
Bring one question
into your own life.
Try the free five-question Frame Audit. Keep your answers privately or print the worksheet.